Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Big Girls.....

I’ve always been a big girl.

I went from chubby toddler to plus size teen in the blink of an eye. And then on to a full fledged BBW in no time at all.

I can remember, when I was a child, being subjected to weigh-ins and measuring food. Posting our individual weights on the refrigerator door to monitor our success (and mostly failure).

My mom telling me you’d be so much prettier if only you weren’t so damn fat that I had “such a pretty face”.

In my early adult years, I became very pro-fat. I ate what I wanted and didn’t care. I had a boyfriend who loved all my curves and rolls (he was also an abusive ass but that’s a different story for a different day….) and I was very into the mindset that it was society that was pressuring us all to be skinny. Society was telling us all that we weren’t good enough. So it was my duty to ‘stick it to the man’ by embracing my fatness and wearing it loud and proud.

A few years later I was pushing 330 pounds and my doctor was worried the weight was causing fertility issues. I desperately wanted to have a family so I started working with a nutritionist and lost 50 pounds.

I also suffer from depression and the long ago ex and I were in the middle of some marital woes. When I’m in the middle of a depression cycle–I either eat everything or I eat nothing. The depression diet (however unhealthy it may be) got me down another 15 pounds. The smallest I’d been in my adult life. But, like so many of us out there, I gained most of it back.

But I was still under 300 pounds and that became my own personal benchmark for what I considered to be too fat.

I figure I’m always going to be a bigger girl, but as long as I’m under that magic number–I’m comfortable. I’m ok with my body.

Fast forward many years and 3 babies later and even though I went up to around 330 with each pregnancy, I would get my self back down into my comfort zone.

Until now.

I’m not sure what happened. Maybe a combination of depression and laziness–I’m not sure. But I’m waaayyyy out of my comfort zone.

I feel huge.

My clothes are getting snug.

I’m neither comfortable nor ok with my body.

So I’m working on changing that. My biggest problems are portion control and emotional/social eating. I’m not going to deprive myself of anything that I like to eat but it’s all going to be in normal portions. I’m going to keep a food journal to help me with the mental stuff. I’m going to try like hell to get all the daily requirements of fruits and vegetables. And drink lots of water.

I’m hoping that writing about it will help me stick to my goals.

I’d like to be under 300 by the middle of July.

I know, overall, this will be good for me. The excess weight is not healthy and I really should be a better role model for my kids. But I know I’ll never be as small as I’m ‘supposed’ to be.

Which is fine with me–as long as I’m comfortable with the body I have.

After all, being happy beats being skinny any day.

**Today’s Tidbits**

My mood: very tired. I haven’t been sleeping at work like I should (yes, I’m allowed to sleep at work…I’m incredibly lucky) I’ve been sleepy and a little grumpy all day.

My look: (before work last night) Face: Sassy Minerals foundation in Cool/Fair, Sassy Minerals finishing powder. Eyes: Sassy Minerals-Break the Silence eyeshadow used as eyeliner, applied over Fyrinnae’s pixie epoxy, and Colossal mascara. Hair tucked behind my ears. (thinking about a major haircut). All in all a very simple look that’s still a bit much for a girl who gets to sleep for a living :)

My song: Walking in Memphis–although this isn’t typically what I listen to, I heard it on the radio this morning while I was channel surfing. Something about this song always stirs up something very emotional in me and I LOVE singing it.

My dinner: Chicken Patty on a bun with a little buffalo sauce, a small handful of baked fries, and a big portion of broccoli. Unsweetened iced tea with lemon to drink.

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